Overprotective Caregivers When Too Much Help Affects Older Adults

Glamaris Valentín Cameron

Migentegrande.com

In any given place, we see parents who are overprotective of their young children. We see them trying to solve their children’s stumbles or doubts, without giving them time to think for themselves. We immediately cast a disapproving glance and silently criticize them for controlling every detail of their children’s lives, regardless of age. If we observe something like this within our own family, we do not hesitate in giving our opinion: “Oh, let them cry, they’ll be fine.” Yet, while we are the first to judge, we often make the same mistake when we care for older adults; we overprotect them. The big difference is that few of us, as caregivers, see or even realize how we tend to overprotect older adults.

The concept of helicopter parents was coined in 1969 by Dr. Haim Ginott in his book “Between Parent and Teenager.” The doctor explains the description of a patient who felt that his mother “flew over every minute of his life.” Like helicopters, overprotective parents draw immediate attention and family members, or teachers do what they can to stop the overprotection that limits a child’s development and self-esteem. In the worst-case scenario, it is the children who, as adults, seek help to learn the skills they were unable to develop because their parents did not allow them to enroll in “the school of life.”

This overprotection also occurs with our older adults. Here, this problem affects the independence and mobility of our older adults. For example, some of us “forbid” our parents to drive, without realizing that we don’t have the time to take them some place where they can socialize with others. As a result, older adults become isolated from friends and depressed. Another mistake we make is to prepare food for them even though they can do it themselves. Through these actions, we prevent them from enjoying the pleasure of making a sandwich and eating it, without having to wait for anyone else. There are other more serious examples that limit the mobility of our older adults, and we all know that either “you use it or lose it.” That’s why my father loved to climb stairs whenever he could, even if it took him forever.

One problem we had to struggle with in my home happened when my father began to show symptoms of dysphagia, which involves swallowing difficulties. This includes problems with swallowing food, and in this case, it was related to Lewy body disease (a condition with both Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s disease symptoms). At the same time, the anxiety and memory loss caused by the condition made my dad eat too fast and, to make matters worse, he would forget that he had eaten just a few minutes later. According to the doctor’s instructions, he needed to be supervised while eating. Mom began feeding him so he wouldn’t choke, even though he could move his arms and hands. I was afraid that dad would lose the use of his hands. I kept reminding my mom to let him handle the silverware and his plate. And that is where the struggle really began.

It sounds easy, but it’s not. Instead of placing the food in his mouth, we would sit next to him and ask him over and over again to eat slowly or to select smaller pieces of food. Sometimes he would listen to us, but other times he would ignore us and force us to take away his plate of food so he wouldn’t choke. This situation was very frustrating for him as a patient and, in turn, made us feel sad as his caregivers. His doctor even recommended a type of spoon that would help control the amount of food he could take at a time. However, the spoon didn’t control the speed at which he was filling his mouth and we ended up worse off than at the beginning.

The only thing that worked for us was controlling the bites of food he took during his meals. When we served him food, we would sit with him and rotate the plate so that he would take time to select the bites he picked up with his spoon. The sacrifice paid off. Dad maintained the use of his arms and hands until his illness reached an advanced stage. He could hold and pop a fruit popsicle into his mouth, which allowed him to recall childhood flavors. As a caregiver, I loved the smell of candy and the ease with which he would raise his arm with the small popsicle in his hand. With those same hands he would call our attention or respond to our affections.

The effort of allowing him to eat with his hands was more complicated and time-consuming than feeding him. But it was worth it. A bit of independence for older adults can be a source of great satisfaction for their families.The author is a journalist, television producer, and editor of the migentegrande.com webpage, which offers advice for the family members and caregivers of older adults in Puerto Rico. She also builds a digital directive of health and quality of life services for our elderly. Look for more information on Facebook and YouTube under Mi Gente Grande and become a part of this community of caregivers. For more information, email info@migentegrande.com